Three or four years ago, I came onto a contest for "It was a dark and stormy night..." the worst opening lines of a novel. Some of the winners are so funny you will literally laugh until you cry.
Here are a couple:
The blazing equatorial sun beat down on Simon's head and shoulders as he dug feverishly in the hot sand with the ivory shoe-horn his mother had given him before the homecoming game with Taft, when the field was so wet that he'd lost his low-tops seven times in the cold sucking mud.
Adam McDonough, of Reedsburgh, Wisc.,
and,
For the first month of Ricardo and Felicity's affair, they greeted one another at every stolen rendezvous with a kiss--a lengthy, ravenous kiss, Ricardo lapping and sucking at Felicity's mouth as if she were a giant cage-mounted water bottle and he were the world's thirstiest gerbil.
Molly Ringle, of Seattle.
I challenge you to create some terrible opening lines to a fictitous novel that may or may not ever be published.
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